The Season of Maybes

This photo is how I’ve been feeling lately. (Notice how you can’t really identify any thing except the mark of a major food chain, which is appropriate in its way.) I also feel like I’ve been holding up an enormous mirror up and seeing that girl, too. Kinda meh. Kind of too big an emphasis on me (and McDonalds) in my life and I’m not all that impressed with what I see. Everything else is just unnatural light and commotion. When I first started this blog, I made a category for Insecurity. It was a warning for myself not to use it too much. I’ve used it twice. This will be the third.

I have a lot of MAYBE going on in my life presently. To review: I have a husband on the edge of a major career move which will require a maybe-move (to Indiana, or Pennsylvania, or Wisconsin, or Minnesota, or New Mexico, or North Carolina, or maybe we’ll stay here). It will mean we’ll have to maybe-sell our  house, and I’ll need to get a new job, maybe. Also, there’s this  maybe-book that I’d like to see sell. And all those maybes are getting stirred up in the never-ending Michigan winter and I can’t focus. I’m antsy when I read. My young adult writing is pretty sucky. My mom-ing and wife-ing are passing, but barely. And I can’t stop noticing these things. Can’t stop dwelling.

It will pass. Josh will be matched soon. The perspective fairy visits often enough to remind me that life is good, and I know that little ho is right. One of my best friend’s said, it’s okay that you’re feeling all these things, because you act right. My family might question that, but I hope that, overall, that’s true. I’m not what I feel, I’m what I do? For now, I’m going with it.  And I’m putting the mirror down.

Published by jody sparks

Jody Sparks Mugele spent her first career in marketing writing and leading teams of writers and editors. After her son came out as transgender in 2015, she dedicated herself to advocating for the rights of the LGBTQ+ community. For two years, she led the Indianapolis regional chapter of PFLAG, a nationally renowned LGBTQ+ advocacy group. She has given many conference talks about parenting trans kids, healthcare in the trans community, and suicidality among LGBTQ+ youth. And with GenderNexus, an Indianapolis-based advocacy organization, she created programming and led support groups to work with parents to help their children through all aspects of gender transition. She recently moved to Northeast Georgia where she is excited to develop opportunities to continue to strongly and proudly advocate for LGBTQ+ members of our society. She also LOVES kitschy Christmas crafting!

6 thoughts on “The Season of Maybes

  1. I’m pulling your quote for my new mantra. “I’m not what I feel, I’m what I do.” Except maybe it will get repeated in my head, “I’m not what I f**king feel, I’m what I f**king do.” So thanks for that!

    1. I believe I may start referring to the treadmill as “that little home-wrecking whore.” That is how I feel about it, though it is far from true. But if I’m not what I feel, I can say these things without care.

  2. One thing is not maybe. Your writing is good. It’s hard going through the uncertainties of life and you are going through so many right now. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

  3. That’s what friends are for. And it’s true you are a great writer. It will be a HUGE loss for our critique group when you un-maybe move.

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