This photo is how I’ve been feeling lately. (Notice how you can’t really identify any thing except the mark of a major food chain, which is appropriate in its way.) I also feel like I’ve been holding up an enormous mirror up and seeing that girl, too. Kinda meh. Kind of too big an emphasis on me (and McDonalds) in my life and I’m not all that impressed with what I see. Everything else is just unnatural light and commotion. When I first started this blog, I made a category for Insecurity. It was a warning for myself not to use it too much. I’ve used it twice. This will be the third.
I have a lot of MAYBE going on in my life presently. To review: I have a husband on the edge of a major career move which will require a maybe-move (to Indiana, or Pennsylvania, or Wisconsin, or Minnesota, or New Mexico, or North Carolina, or maybe we’ll stay here). It will mean we’ll have to maybe-sell our house, and I’ll need to get a new job, maybe. Also, there’s this maybe-book that I’d like to see sell. And all those maybes are getting stirred up in the never-ending Michigan winter and I can’t focus. I’m antsy when I read. My young adult writing is pretty sucky. My mom-ing and wife-ing are passing, but barely. And I can’t stop noticing these things. Can’t stop dwelling.
It will pass. Josh will be matched soon. The perspective fairy visits often enough to remind me that life is good, and I know that little ho is right. One of my best friend’s said, it’s okay that you’re feeling all these things, because you act right. My family might question that, but I hope that, overall, that’s true. I’m not what I feel, I’m what I do? For now, I’m going with it. And I’m putting the mirror down.
6 thoughts on “The Season of Maybes”
I’m pulling your quote for my new mantra. “I’m not what I feel, I’m what I do.” Except maybe it will get repeated in my head, “I’m not what I f**king feel, I’m what I f**king do.” So thanks for that!
I believe I may start referring to the treadmill as “that little home-wrecking whore.” That is how I feel about it, though it is far from true. But if I’m not what I feel, I can say these things without care.
One thing is not maybe. Your writing is good. It’s hard going through the uncertainties of life and you are going through so many right now. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Natalie, you’ve been so sweet to me. I can’t properly tell you how much I appreciate your support and encouragement during my season of maybes.
That’s what friends are for. And it’s true you are a great writer. It will be a HUGE loss for our critique group when you un-maybe move.
Thanks for clearing up the Linkin Park thing.. nice article