Trying to get a job kinda feel like this. I actually don’t mind the process so much. Mostly, I like myself and think I’m a good worker. I like people. And talking. But I haven’t done phone interviews in a while, so I forgot about the canned questions like, what are you good at and what do you need to work on? Sooooooo hard to take seriously sometimes. Don’t you ever want to say, “I’m good at smiling and 80’s movie trivia, but I should probably work on my dog grooming and Yoda impersonation.” I’d totally hire me.
But, I’m an expert cover letter writer. People should pay me for that! When I got my job at the Orthodontist’s office, the ad said they wanted someone with a sense of humor. I was substitute teaching at the time and I remember actually having to tell a freshman boy, “Evan, you need to stop following around everything in a skirt.” I told the orthodontist in my cover letter that I’d like a job where I didn’t have to say things like that. I don’t know how this worked; it was like I just had this intuition about that job. Some of the best friends I’ve ever had, I met at that job. Doc, Catherine, Laura: I’m gonna miss the CRAP out of you guys when I move!
Here’s a cover letter that didn’t work, though. I recently applied for a job as an optician. I started the cover letter, “My glasses are my favorite accessory.” This is completely true. And I love me some accessories. I rarely go without a headscarf and pin. It turns out that an optician actually needs to have experience with eyes. The office wrote me back and said something like, “Your cover letter was interesting, and I’m sure you’ll make a great young adult author, but we won’t be pursuing your candidacy since you have no experience as an optician.”
Huh.
If you’re a writer who has ever sent a cover letter, query, or synopsis to an agent or an editor in hopes that they would tell you that your writing is great, then you know how hilarious this is. All those years I’d been writing to the wrong people. Next time I need (glasses or) a compliment about my writing skills, I’m headed to the Optometrist!
Jody Sparks Mugele 
You know you’ve made it when the optometrist tells you to quit your day job and become an author.
I love your answer to the first question about 80’s trivia and dog grooming. I would’ve hired you!
Ah, yes, SWEET SUCCESS! They really “see” something in me, eh? Too far? Ah, well, you know I’d hire you, too, Brodi!
I agree with Brodi!!! Exactly what I was thinking! 🙂 And I’ve already told you, I would TOTALLY hire you. (I definitely SEE something in you, even from afar… can you hear our song? I think it’s playing! lol…)
Haha! Tammara, I hear it….foooooooour is better than ttttttttwwwooooooooooooooo.”
Also, Tammara, you were my 9,999 blog view!
Oh God, I hate job interviews more than anything! I’ll never leave my current job just to avoid interviewing!
Funny post.
– Liz
Liz, what do you do (while not writing)?
Too bad you can’t get a job writing cover letters and query letters for authors. Your cover letter to the optometrist was so funny and creative. Be yourself in your interviews. I know you’ll get a job.
Aw, Natalie. You know the one place I won’t apply? Lawyers offices. Haha.
You could totally sell your cover letter writing skills. Craigslist! People buy breastmilk on there you know…
OMYGOD. Breastmilk on ebay? That’s gross. And now people are going to land on my blog when searching for “buy breastmilk.” Haha. Ew.
I would have loved to receive a cover letter from you! At my old job, I once interviewed a guy who was a communications major. In his cover letter, while bragging on his excellent communication skills, he stated that his written communication skills were “inept.” I agreed.
Claree, that’s awesome! And definitely hard to argue with. haha.