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Trying to get a job kinda feel like this. I actually don’t mind the process so much. Mostly, I like myself and think I’m a good worker. I like people. And talking. But I haven’t done phone interviews in a while, so I forgot about the  canned questions like, what are you good at and what do you need to work on? Sooooooo hard to take seriously sometimes. Don’t you ever want to say, “I’m good at smiling and 80’s movie trivia, but I should probably work on my dog grooming and Yoda impersonation.” I’d totally hire me.

But, I’m an expert cover letter writer. People should pay me for that! When I got my job at the Orthodontist’s office, the ad said they wanted someone with a sense of humor. I was substitute teaching at the time and I remember actually having to tell a freshman boy, “Evan, you need to stop following around everything in a skirt.” I told the orthodontist in my cover letter that I’d like a job where I didn’t have to say things like that. I don’t know how this worked; it was like I just had this intuition about that job. Some of the best friends I’ve ever had, I met at that job. Doc, Catherine, Laura: I’m gonna miss the CRAP out of you guys when I move!

Here’s a cover letter that didn’t work, though. I recently applied for a job as an optician. I started the cover letter, “My glasses are my favorite accessory.” This is completely true. And I love me some accessories. I rarely go without a headscarf and pin. It turns out that an optician actually needs to have experience with eyes. The office wrote me back and said something like, “Your cover letter was interesting, and I’m sure you’ll make a great young adult author, but we won’t be pursuing your candidacy since you have no experience as an optician.”

Huh.

If you’re a writer who has ever sent a cover letter, query, or synopsis to an agent or an editor in hopes that they would tell you that your writing is great, then you know how hilarious this is. All those years I’d been writing to the wrong people. Next time I need (glasses or) a compliment about my writing skills, I’m headed to the Optometrist!

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