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Five days until brain surgery.

In order to remain the least amount of scared, I’ve been making jokes. I like to joke about the things I want my doc to nip and tuck while he’s in there. My top choices are different from Josh’s. We didn’t get too far into his list before it suddenly became less funny and more personal. I guess I get a little touchy when anyone besides me picks on my skill set and personality. Huh.

I’ve been on brain meds for about a year. Short list of side effects that I’m ecstatic to leave behind include: ear-ringing and forgetfulness. I’m nervous about the latter because I’m inherently a forgetful person. Even if I improve, I’ll still be a C+ rememberer at best. And part of me thinks, what if that’s just who I am now? A person with fewer words. Someone whose ideas flash out as quickly as they appear?

And also: how do epileptics and others on these meds cope with their side effects for life? Isn’t it bad enough that they deal with epilepsy?

It gets me thinking about how people suffer in ways that they keep hidden. It makes me love people for being flawed. I get proud for the people who suffer because they have to be more loving toward others. They just have to. More patient. Kinder. More generous.

I hope that is little bit more of who I am for having endured these strange cycles of pain. Whether the surgery works or not, I hope the experience of dealing with Trigeminal Neuralgia improves me.

Now back to horsing around about it! (winks at coworkers) Here are some of the things I want my brain surgeon to add. Which of them would you choose?